Children need clear rules, boundaries and limits in order to feel safe. These limits provide a structure within which the children can explore and test. Yound and immature children are reliant on the caregiver to regulate their emotion and to manage their behaviour. Some children cannot manage without this external control. They therefore need a high level of containment, structure and supervision. They need to know what to expect in any given situation. They need to understand the rules and they need practice to follow the rules.
The younger or more emotionally immature children need these limits very clearly stated and acted out. As they mature the controls become internalised (part of their being). Children are then able to manage their emotion and their behaviour themselves and require less supervision and structure. At times of increased stress, however, they may again need the additional support that supervision and structure can provide.
When caregivers need to provide a high degree of external control it is important that they do this with a high level of empathy. The additional supervision and structure is not a punishment because of bad behaviour, rather, it is a support to help the child demonstrate appropriate behaviour. It is important to convey this to the child and to accept and empathise with the feelings this generates.
What is an appropriate level of supervision for the child?
When children are having trouble following the rules this is a sign that they need closer supervision and limitations put on their activities. If children are having trouble behaving appropriately, and if the consequences are piling up, this is a sign that they are not getting sufficient structure and supervision. They need closer supervision and clearer limits for a while.
The level of supervision that children are provided with needs to match their emotional maturity. It is no good providing children with the degree of supervision that is acceptable for their age if they cannot manage at this level. Hoping a child will live up to these expectations will lead to difficulties. Instead the caregiver should provide a level of supervision within which the child can cope and the gradually support the child to manage with less supervision. For example, if a child is constantly in trouble when playing out in the neighbourhood, this indicates that he is not coping with his level of freedom. Opportunities to play with friends while the caregiver keeps a discrete but watchful eye on things can assist the child to problem-solve or to deal with confrontation as needed. Alternatively, the child may need shorter spells outside, with regular checking back with the caregiver.
It can be difficult to impose this level of structure and supervision when the child is either used to more freedom or is expecting to be allowed to do what same age peers are doing. It is important to let the child know that you understand how frustrated the child is. This also helos the child understand that you aren’t just being mean, but that the child’s safety is important.
Supervision should be flexible in line with how the child is coping at the time. Therefore, at times of relaxation and low stress the child will manage better and will respond to being allowedto do a little more. When experiencing increased stress, however, it is likely that the child will need an increase in supervision and support in order to cope. Attention, supervision and support should therefore be regulated in accordance with the child’s needs at the time within the context of his overall development maturity rather than his chronological age.
What reasons are there for a person being emotionally immature?
- Poor early parenting.
- Lack of regulation by another in infancy.
- When tired.
- When ill.
- When experiencing high levels of stress.
- Reminders of early trauma.
- Learning disability.
What are the implications for parenting children with emotional immaturities?
- Need to know the emotional age of the child.
- Need time and patience.
- Can’t make assumptions on basis of chronological age.
- Parent as if younger.
- May need more help – supervision and support.
- Recognise day-to-day changes in emotional age.
- Child is not naughty, just needs more help.
- Help children to develop emotionally.
- Don’t assume control of emotions means good regulation.
Why do children and young people need structure and supervision?
- This is the opposite of chaos, allows you to achieve more.
- Safety.
- Learn society’s expectations.
- Provides sense of belonging, increases feelings of being settled and secure.
- Know how to fit in with the family and as a platform for life.
- Teach children how to take safe risks.
- Provides routines, within which they can function better.
- Gives the child something to push against.
From the Nurturing Attachments Training Resource. Kim S. Golding. 2014.