The Christmas Conundrum
Christmas can be confronting. Triggering, as well as joyful. Testing and exhausting, but heart-warming too.
The business of Christmas has a habit of invading our senses, pulling up a comfy chair and settling in from the beginning of November each year.
Retailers draw us in with glitzy window displays, must-have gifts and Mariah Carey. Squashed Christmas craft emerges from school bags, robbed of its former glory from lunchboxes shoved on top. Time set aside for self-care turns into Christmas baking sessions, and we stress over finances, holiday plans and childcare.
Of course there’s lots of fun, excitement and special family times in the mix too, but we want to acknowledge that Christmas can take its toll on our wellbeing and encourage you to PACE yourselves this festive season.
It may feel difficult to find the time, but please do something to re-energise so you can offer your tamariki the best version of you this Christmas. If you need some ideas for self-care, click here.
A Caregiver Christmas
Caregivers often notice a change in behaviour from their children at this time of year.
Children who have been let down at Christmas in the past might struggle with upsetting memories and feelings of uncertainty. Children who feel sad due to separation from their biological families will need extra help to deal with their emotions and may find other people’s excitement very difficult to deal with. Some children may not have celebrated Christmas before.
In our experience, Christmas can often remind a child growing up in care of who they are separated from.
Being a child in care is difficult to accept, especially if they have been moved multiple times. Some children may feel excluded from the family around this time, or the need to exclude themselves from special occasions because they don’t feel worthy to be a part of the family.
Gifts can be upsetting
A gift from a caregiver may be considered too nice, or not good enough, compared to what their birth parents gave them.
Perhaps you thought to buy a gift for them, when their parents didn’t. A child’s loyalty can feel challenged.
If your tamariki considers a gift for you, they might feel like what they give is never going to be good enough. They may be worried that they can’t match what you’ve given them. If they give something to their birth parents, they might feel like they are betraying you. There are many reasons why gifting can cause anxiety and make them feel under pressure.
Children’s responses can trigger our emotions too. As a caregiver, you can be left feeling unworthy, not wanted or appreciated.
Tips to support your tamariki
Here are some tips from our Regional Coordinators to support your children with their emotional journey this Christmas:
Be pre-emptive: Planning ahead with your child helps to regulate the anxiety and emotions. There might be things that your child wants to do for their birth parents, or for you, but struggle to tell you about it. Instead, open the door for them, listen to what they have to say and discuss how you can help. Keep it simple. They might want to buy an outrageous gift for you, but instead you can compromise by making family gift vouchers, such as 1 free hug! Children with trauma don’t handle surprises well, so by being pre-emptive you’re teaching predictability and showing them how to have autonomy over their lives.
Put supports in place for yourself to help your resilience, particularly if your child is not open to connecting at Christmas. Apply curiosity, for example: “I wonder why I feel rejected right now?” or “I wonder if they are struggling because they were not expecting this gift?”
Try not to go over the top with your gifts: Focus instead on connection and bonding with the child first, then find appropriate gifts that you know will benefit them and their wellbeing. Ask yourself, am I buying this gift to make the child happy and fill my cup, or is it for the child’s benefit? If it’s about you and you don’t get the response you want, you might find yourself getting angry and upset.
Accept their reaction and change the narrative for yourself: For example, if all they say is thank you, then “Thank you is good enough for me – I am happy to have that.” You don’t need to have a big moment, you just need to be there, and being there is enough.
The gift of giving: We can teach children a lot at Christmas about giving over receiving. For example, you could take the children down to the SPCA and donate animal food. Make Christmas cards together for their birth families, go to the Post Office together to post them. This can help relieve that pressure of having to buy you or their significant others in their lives presents.
Use PACE: Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. You might experience a few meltdowns in the lead up to Christmas Day, but when we apply PACE, we can connect with our tamariki and return them to their safe and secure base within the home. Joy in the relationship can be hard to achieve, but if we can understand how children are feeling about themselves, we can approach them with empathy and acceptance.
From our extended whānau to yours, we hope you have a wonderful Christmas season. Enjoy a well-deserved break, lots of smiles, sunshine and delicious kai. Miri Kirihimete!