NOTES TO SELF: Is the answer going to be “NO”?

How to reframe your response to keep your relationship positive

Here’s the scenario. The child in your care makes a difficult request – you may be right in the middle of something and can’t do it right now, or it is simply unattainable. What do you say, when you know they’ll be upset by your response?

First, slow down

You don’t need to respond immediately.

Think about the things that trigger the child. One of the biggest triggers for young people is to be told “NO”. Your main objective is to remain in the relationship without giving in and without the child becoming upset.

Keep it positive

Stop and think about how to reframe your response to keep things positive. Don’t get pulled into power struggles. To begin with, this can be hard to do, but keep practicing and it becomes easier. You’ll notice how much closer the two of you become if you take this approach consistently. 

Here are some suggestions. Try:

• “Now that’s a good idea! How do you think we can make that happen?”

This seems completely at odds with what you’re thinking, but it will encourage the child to think about it themselves. Often, they might say something like “Maybe it can’t happen right now.”

or

• Let me think about this” / “Can I have some time to think?”

These types of responses can surprise a child as they often expect you to say “No” outright. Children will often move on to the next thing and forget about what they have asked.

Choices, choices

Children who have experienced trauma early in life need to feel they are in charge. Part of their trauma may have been because there was no one in charge. We need to give them the feeling that they have some control while remaining in control ourselves. This can work by giving them choices. Just make sure those choices are realistic for you.

Try:

• “Would you like to do that after dinner, or tomorrow after school?”

If it’s not possible to keep things positive, don’t forget to take some time to repair the relationship.

Once you are both calm, maybe sometime later, try:

• “I’m sorry we seemed to have got off track, let’s see if we can work this out”.

or

• “How about we sit down after dinner and give it another go?”

As grown-ups, we are always responsible for the repair. This is good modelling, showing the child how it is done.

Is the answer going to be NO? Reframe it.