NOTE TO SELF: Time In – but isn’t it Time Out?
Most of us are familiar with the concept of “Time Out” – hailed by many experts as an effective parenting tool when a child’s behaviour is challenging, or unacceptable. You may remember watching Supernanny on TV, who talked about the “naughty step” or identifying a corner in the house where children can be sent to reflect on their behaviour.
But have you heard of “Time In”? Because when it comes to caregiving, “Time In” is in and “Time Out” is out!
Why not time out?
This approach seldom works for a traumatised child as it can trigger a sense of abandonment and often their trauma resurfaces.
If you send your child to a corner or naughty step when they have acted out in some way, you don’t have the opportunity to help regulate their emotions in the moment, empathise, or find out what is going on for them. Sometimes a Time Out will make them feel angrier.
Even when the child returns to say sorry, it is unlikely they will tell you what was happening internally for them.
time in
Here’s the scenario. The two boys in your care are playing together nicely, until there’s a sudden outburst, shouting and tears. Time In begins straight away. Ask the child who has lashed out to join you in whatever you might be doing and express curiosity about where this behaviour is coming from.
For example: “Dude, what’s going on? You don’t normally act like this. Is there anything I can do? You know I’m here for you.”
If the child can’t explain what is happening, take an educated guess and make some suggestions.
For example: “I wonder if it’s because you are worried about seeing Mum tomorrow?”
Often children who are impacted by trauma will struggle to tell you what’s happening, as their behaviour is coming from a ‘felt’ sense – we will cover this topic in a future Note for Self.
When a child growing up in care is becoming dysregulated (unable to control their emotions) we need to bring them closer. This is creating a secure attachment over time, developing trust and giving the child a real sense that they are loved and cared for.